Gratitude - Even When It's Hard

Andrea Henderson, MA, LPC-S, EMDR Certified

Thankfulness for the season. Gratitude for all that is good.

Are these statements hard to read? Triggering even? Do you feel bad if you don’t feel grateful?

The holidays can feel like these sentiments are being forced on us. Or, worse, we could be tempted to fake it.

I want to validate those thoughts and feelings and offer some hope on our journey toward genuine gratitude.

My mom passed away right before Thanksgiving last year. That event, on the heels of other significant transitions and life stressors, left me facing my own gratitude challenges. Joy was hard to come by. The waves of grief were battering me.

But gratitude, when I remember to shift to it, is grounding, pulling me to the safety of beauty. I can feel it physically, becoming more relaxed and present. I find it a relief to look for the good, even if it takes effort, intentionality.

It is a practice. It’s important to note we are working against our brain’s negativity bias that (automatically) looks for the bad or dangerous things in life in order to keep us safe. But we do have agency. As we tune into our bodies and brain (think about what you are thinking about) we can learn to direct our thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we need non-judgemental support from a friend, mentor or counselor. And again,it takes practice!

I use a question to redirect myself: “What if God has good things for me? Where is the evidence?” Then I look up at the sky for a peak at the moon or the wisp of a cloud. I listen for hopeful song lyrics. I pause to notice the cooler fall mornings, my cat’s playfulness, the friendliness of a stranger.

I learned this skill as a therapist. As a Christian, I can use it to see and experience God’s hand in my life despite the really hard stuff. Life holds both good and bad and that flexible thinking allows space for gratitude.

What if we could cultivate these moments? Train our brains and bodies to attune to what is good in an authentic way? Slowing down is required, but the pay off is significant.

I hope it is evident this is not “silver-lining” life or minimizing pain. Nor is it healthy to shame yourself or someone else into feeling grateful. We don’t want to weaponize something meant for good. Sometimes, we need to be emotionally honest with ourselves and name what is bad before we can make space for the good. This may take admitting, “This is a hard season of loss, but the sun came up today. A butterfly crossed my path and reminded me of Mom. For that, I can be grateful.”