Self-Regulation: What is it really?

Rebecca Parks, MA, LMFT Associate

Supervised by Cristy Ragland, MA, LPC-S, LMFT-S, RPT-S™

Self-regulation is the ability to acknowledge and alter our own emotional, psychological, and neurological state. It is to have self-control with self-awareness and be able to use these skills to improve our mental health, relationships, and overall well-being.

Many of us desire to have more self-regulation in our lives. Maybe we want to be a more self-regulated person, or we want our children or partner to have more self-regulation. But, it can feel elusive and difficult to achieve. How do I actually become more self-regulated? How do I gain a skill I often don’t even realize I am lacking?

If you know anything about attachment, you have probably learned about the term co-regulation. Co-regulation is the experience of feeling safe and soothed by the presence of another regulated person. Co-regulation is an ongoing, neurological process and a critical developmental need throughout the lifespan. Co-regulation is the beginning of self-regulation. Without it, self-regulation cannot and does not exist.

For all humans, the process of co-regulation begins at birth (some would argue it begins even prenatally!), as demonstrated in this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0o1SGX_nSGM&t=2s

As you can see in the video, a baby enters the world in complete distress! Crying, screaming, undone that someone just took them from their cozy, warm womb. And what normally happens next? Usually, the baby is placed on their mother’s chest. The baby is soothed by the mother’s heartbeat, by her cooing and calming voice, by the skin-to-skin contact, and all of the other nurturing signals the mother’s nervous system is sending to the baby’s brain through nonverbal and verbal cues. Just like the interaction between father and baby in the video above, the baby begins to calm down. Their crying quiets, their breathing becomes more even, and their heart rate regulates. They feel safe, soothed, and loved. This is their very first experience of co-regulation, already at work.

As childhood progresses into adolescence and adulthood, co-regulation is refined and matured by the daily interactions of a child’s distress being met with the presence, stability, and comfort of their secure attachment figures (caregivers, parents, partners, friends, and other close persons). This looks different at every age, as the developmental needs change and the brain becomes more sophisticated. The more exposure a child has to a regulated, secure attachment figure when they are distressed, the more co-regulation is internalized in the child’s brain. Essentially, the parent’s regular offering of co-regulation becomes a part of them. Self-regulation emerges as a learned, subconscious, and automatic response from the foundation that co-regulation laid. Co-regulation sets the foundation for and eventually becomes self-regulation.

On the flip side, without frequent access and exposure to regulated attachment figures, the child’s brain does not get enough of the enriching experience of co-regulation. Self-regulation, then, fails or struggles to mature. These children are left in states of dysregulation, without the models and help they need to get back to a regulated, balanced state. If they can’t depend on relationships to co-regulate them, they get stuck in emotional dysregulation and may turn to alternative, possibly unhealthy means of self-soothing. Additionally, experiences like trauma, developmental issues, sensory processing disorders, executive functioning difficulties, or other neurodivergences can cause biological impairments in receiving co-regulation. This is an added obstacle to the development of self-regulation, even when secure, regulated parents are doing their very best.

So, maybe you’re reading this and thinking to yourself, “Oh no, I’m not very self-regulated! Does that mean I’m screwing up my child’s self-regulation?” Take a pause and breathe. Maybe, maybe not. Likely, you’re doing better than you think! And there could be room for improvement. If you want to learn more about how to parent with regulation and relationship in mind, Center for Relational Care offers a quarterly parenting workshop with a lot more education about the brain, tips, and scenarios to teach you how to form and maintain a co-regulating relationship with your child. You can find more information and registration here: https://www.relationalcare.org/parenting-workshops

Learn more about co-regulation with these resources:

• Robyn Gobbel’s Podcast Episode - EP 195: Self-Regulation Doesn’t Exist

• Robbyn Gobbel Infosheet